Casual Cowards 85 – Free Pizza – Tomb Raider (2013)

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Episode 85 – It was FREE PIZZA!!

The live stream is back!  Back again!  Tell a friend!  Now all of you lucky bastards get to watch us ugly bastards get drunk instead of just listening to it!  Guess what else is back!  Grand Masta C is back!  Back again!  Tell a friend!  Also, Tomb Raider has made a come back (not to our show, just you know… rebooted)!  Back again!  Tell a friend!

But first – we shamelessly self promote.  Someone has to promote our show, and it might as well be us.  Honestly, why would anyone else do it?  It’s not their show.  If you’re curious about all of the fun ways to follow us just look at the top of this page!  Links abound!  We’ll also answer our first fan question in a very, very, long time.  Thanks to K Sinner for sparking a great conversation about our favorite fighting games!  And, if seeing Chester’s fat ass with a man-bun isn’t depressing enough – you can now literally watch his hair (and his waist line) grow – directly from our website!

In our ego-stroking segment Rian backslides into Assassin’s Creed Unity and offends the entire continent of Asia.  Chester chronicles his decent into MOBA madness.  Charles shares his love of John Wick Chapter 2 – which leads to a great Knock Knock joke.  And, finally, our guest Grand Masta C tells us all about Emo Road Trip Simulator (Final Fantasy XV).

No News is Good News

We’ll discuss our theories as to why Nintendo has already thrown in the towel on the NES Mini and the announcement of a Season Pass for the new Zelda game’s DLC.  Naturally this news only serves to stoke the flames of our ever growing outrage with the Japan based company.  Pewdiepie get’s some much deserved hate, and – to balance the scales – we give the Jews some much deserved love.  The Eat-a-Dick scale makes a comeback and we bestow a gift upon the world: The Foreskin Advent Calendar. You’re welcome, world.

Now, before you give up on humanity and decide to end it all in a blaze of glory like our old friend, the lovable scamp John Marston, check this out!  Red Dead Redemption 2 is now available for pre-order on Amazon!  Fuck yes!  Faith restored!  Normally we are 100% against pre-ordering games, but Rockstar has never done us dirty.  We’ll be pre-ordering with twice the satisfaction because:

1. Amazon gives 20% off all pre-orders
2. Fuck GameStop

Tome Reader (Tomb Raider)

In our conversation about the Lara Croft reboot, simply titled Tomb Raider, we celebrate Crystal Dynamics’ modern portrayal of everyone’s favorite video game heroine.  Setting aside (most of) the old familiar staples to the series – the tiny outfit, over-exaggerated female anatomy, dual wielded pistols – was a great move.  Having said that – we’ve lovingly nicknamed this game The Lara Croft Death Simulator.  There’s like 27,000 (I’m exaggerating) different death animations. I’m not even exaggerating!

Grand Masta C shares his theory about Lara Croft’s multiple timelines.  You’ll definitely want to stick around for this part.  It involves a slutty mother, step-father molestation, and finally, a showdown between Lara and her dissociative identity.  Seriously folks, you can’t make this shit up.  Unless you’re Grand Masta C, then you can.

At one point we actually discuss some of the game’s dynamics, like the addition of Eagle Vision and a Hook Shot.  Naturally, this leads to the obvious comparison between Lara Croft and John Rambo.  To wrap things up we talk about the (not) much needed upcoming reboot to the Tomb Raider movie franchise.  We can’t wait to see how twisted Walton Goggins‘ portrayal of the villain will be.  That guy just always looks super cray all the time.

You might have to break this one up into several sessions because it’s a long one, and don’t forget to order your Pink Himalayan Rock Salt from Amazon. It’s Episode 85!